Life?
"So if life is just a bunch of questions and we'll never be able to figure out the answers, then what's the point? Why don't we just die now and be done with it [life and its trials]?"That's one of the more difficult lines I spoke during the last scene of the Serious Drama this year at PRBI's Youth Alert. The wierd thing is, I halfheartedly meant it when I said it. And even now. What is the point of life, anyway?
Yeah, yeah, I know, "loving God." Or "glorifying God," if you're a keener at the great PRBI Sunday School. But how do I glorify God if everything that comes out of my mouth seems to cause awkwardness, argument, and heartache? How does that honor Him? It doesn't.
But how do I change? I mean, I've tried. Countless times. But each time I just end up on my face again, the guilt dumped on me like manure. And each time I end up feeling worse and farther away from the people I care about. The feeling of distance turns to bitterness, which inevitably resurfaces as anger. It's an endless cycle of tyranny and oppression.
Is it wrong to hate this? And the lie runs through my head again: maybe dying and being done with it would just be best..? Oh, don't worry - I doubt I could ever really do it. The pain in death must be far worse than the pain of being unable to stop causing pain in life. Besides, I know I'm not useless. I must just have bad self esteem. That's what they tell me. I don't know...I don't want to argue any more.
I'm a little more than useless / And when I think that I can't do this / You promise me that I'll get through this / And do something right, do something right for once.
~Relient K
Oh ... so what happened next in the play, to finish Youth Alert's Serious Drama? It ended, after some more conversation, with the two of us actors freezing; the writer and director of the drama series then finished it off with a small conversation. Their dialogue went something along these lines.
What? That's it? That can't be the end. What happens next?
I couldn't write the end, because it's not my choice to make. Jeff [my character] has a decision to make, and I couldn't make it for him....
She was right. And her truth does not only apply to Jeff. I do have a decision to make. Life..? God, help me! Have mercy on me and give me strength!
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